April 13, 2009
Would you model for, release and promote your own blow-up doll?
Jesus, I hope my parents never find this site. Because not only would they be stunned to learn that I could even come up with this kind of question, they would also be none too happy to read that the only thing stopping me from saying yes is the promotional clause. No one wants to hear that their little girl – once their clumsy, four-eyed, nerd – grew up to say things like, “Hell yeah, I’d let them put my face on a blow-up doll for a million dollars. ‘Cause that’s how my morals roll!” – and that she says it on that World Wide Webs. I’m sure there would be some mention by them of not being angry, just disappointed. That line is some make-you-ashamed-of-yourself genius, right there.
Anyway, the point is, I wouldn’t care if my face was the model for a brand of blow-up dolls.* The faces on those things look like something drawn by a cross-eyed 4-year-old with ADD and depth perception problems, and I’m 100 percent positive the reproduction they’d make of my face would have zero real resemblance to me – or any other living person, actually. But attaching my name to a line of blow-up dolls? Then going out and publicly promoting those things? First of all, no. Second of all, you just know some sweaty, crazypants loner – the kind who really throws his heart and soul into stalking – will believe the doll is his girlfriend (he probably has arguments with it and stuff) and, therefore, so are you – real you, that is. He’ll start showing up at your house a lot. Probably with the doll. Good luck having fun with your million dollars when you have to deal with Batty Von Pervy all the time.
My official decision on this dare, therefore, is No Way, Jose.
* Did you know people can customize their Real Doll order by submitting a photo of a person they want to be used as a model? And unlike blow-up dolls, those dolls look real (hence the name)! So there’s maybe someone out there who you don’t know, regularly doing super filthy dirty sex stuff with a doll that looks exactly like you. Think about that.