January 22, 2009
Would you walk into your local watering hole (where everybody knows your name), jump up on the bar, shout, “Hey everybody! Look at meeee!” then pull down your pants and take a dump?
This question makes me want to laugh in its face, it is so pathetically easy to answer. And the answer is hellfuckingyes. I don’t even see how anyone could say no to this, except maybe if they were some kind of a crazy. Refusing to do this one is pretty much the same as admitting a bunch of lame things about yourself, like 1) I place a hefty value on what the local drunks think of me; 2) I have a trust fund, so I’m bullshit at this game; 3) I fear that my track record of not shitting on bars is really all I’ve got going for me. Who cares so much about any of that stuff? Just plan ahead (laxatives should probably play a starring role in this little production; also, it wouldn’t hurt to get plenty drunk yourself), think of yourself as a performance artist or some shit (ha!) and get on with it. I mean, consider that G. G. Allin spent almost every day he wasn’t in jail on stage shitting and then rolling around in that shit and then throwing that shit at the audience and finally, EATING THAT SHIT – and for what? For free (!) mostly. I say eff that. This is a much better deal for a lot less work.
Since a million dollars in involved, I have to say yes. Though the thought of such public embarrassment is painful to me, IT’S A MILLION DOLLARS. Jeez. Actually, it’s not so much the embarrassment I fear as the reaction from onlookers. The bartender, for example, probably isn’t going to take kindly to someone dumping a load in front of him/her, and I assume that there would be a sort of mass outcry (other patrons will be far from delighted) that might involve being physically thrown out of the bar. Oh well. I can get over my feelings of humiliation and hurt as I relax in Mustique. With my MILLION DOLLARS.