January 23, 2009
Would you accept having a third eye – on your forehead, between and just above the other two?
Now this is a question that I can answer with ease (and gusto)! Hell yes, I would. And not only would I accept having a third eye, I think it would be awesome. Sure, it would take some getting used to, but think of what a party trick it would be. Just pull back my bangs and WHAMMO! Third eye! And if all of that mumbo-jumbo about chakras and pineal glands and whatnot is true, then I’ll have unleashed my inner psychic powers. Look out, world! Not only will I have tapped into the mysteries of the unknown, but I’ll be a millionaire to boot. It sounds pretty sweet to me. Then again, hapless characters in all manner of folk tales are always eager to accept a magical power, only to have it horribly backfire on them (something to do with hubris, yawn). A risk I’ll have to take, I suppose!
P.S. – Does anyone remember that series The Third Eye on Nickolodeon in the early ’80s? Holy balls. It freaked me the fuck out.
Since there’s no time frame given here – which means this dare basically lasts forever – this is a hell-to-the-no for me. And not because I care that people would inevitably start calling me Cyclops (even if they’re not saying it to your face, they’re saying it). My reasons are way better than that.
First of all, I’m really nearsighted, which is already a hassle, and having to deal with yet another eye that can barely tell who old friends are from more than five feet away is just too much. Plus, I’d always have to buy two pairs of contacts – it’s not like they sell them in packs of three – and those things are already so not cheap, so that would get really expensive. And I guess it’s possible that this third eye could have perfect 20/20 vision, seeing how it’s all mystical and Zen and stuff, but it would be the only perfect eye out of three, so that would just make my prescription even more complex. Ay, dios mio!
But most of all, I’m just too vain for this. I like my face – not to sound arrogant, but it’s been a fairly reliable asset for a long time – and I’m not ready to turn it into a freakshow. Also, and this is as important a reason as any, while it might be a conversation starter, think of who would be starting the conversation. Annoying guys like that hippie teacher from Beavis and Butthead and unemployed philosophy majors who dated a Nepalese girl once and never shut up about it and guys who are really into Classical Mythology and also have weird sexual fetishes and beard-o’s who just got back from taking a semester off so they could travel around India. Ugh. Nope. No thank you…
A cyclops not only has one eye but is also a giant. And the word itself represents a race, not an individual (Polyphemus was the one Odysseus took out, for example). This is all just to say that if anyone started calling you “Cyclops,” then the joke would be on them because of how totally inaccurate that insult is!
I’m pretty sure that explaining this would just get you your ass kicked.