For $1,000,000…

January 26, 2009


Would you have unprotected sex with Pete Doherty?

Or Paris Hilton?

First of all, let me say that this question started off with Amy Winehouse in place of Paris Hilton, but then I thought about it and figured, while Amy Winehouse might be a crack stained junkie skeleton in jean shorts cut-offs with the smell of cheese oozing out of her gigantic pores and feet that smell like vomit (she never changes those shoes and you know she doesn’t shower regularly, and even when she does, she’s probably too out of it to take them off which means her feet are like Club Med for foot fungi and mold and I bet her toenails are like, three inches long and you’d have to cut them with hedge trimmers) and hard core, smell-it-from-20-paces-away halitosis (it’s not like she brushes her teeth every day or every week even and when she does get around to it she’s way too fucked up to do anything but a half-assed job) at least she’s talented, and for a hot minute there that beehive/pencil skirt/around-the-way-girl earrings look was working for her. I mean, you might think Amy Winehouse has made some seriously bad decisions but at least she isn’t a useless, racist, dumb-as-fuck party bitch who’s basically famous — literally — just for being a whore in every sense of the word and who — just to jog your memory — takes cell phone calls while doing it doggy style and single handedly lowers the mean IQ of the entire human race. If there is a god, he most certainly does make mistakes and if all the war and famine in the world wasn’t enough to convince you of that sad fact, then the very existence of Paris Hilton should.

At any rate, my answer to all of the above is no. Pete Doherty was at least sexy when he was the disturbed creative genius behind the Libertines but Babyshambles is just boring and I’m just one of those girls who’s turned off by jaundice and shooting up. Go figure.

– Kali

No. I… Just no.

And for the record, I have to express my bewilderment that Pete Doherty was ever considered a genius of any kind. The Libertines were an okay guitar-pop band that wrote fairly basic la-la moon-June-spoon tunes, and Babyshambles are an embarrassment. People always point out that he won some national youth poetry award when he was 16 as evidence of his creative superpowers, to which I say: Have you ever seen the kind of poems that teenagers write? Being crowned top of that heap is like being the proverbial one-eyed man living it up in the kingdom of the blind.

– Lauren

Clearly, your own problems with crack and god knows what else are affecting 1) your music taste and 2) your blogging. The Libertines’ first album was like, this amazing crossbreed of the Jam and the poppiest elements of the Clash and the Libertines themselves and it was perfectly catchy and rough hewn and car
crash-y in all the right ways, and I loveloveloved it and an awful lot of that was Doherty’s doing. It’s just too bad he’s turned into such a boring caricature of a tragic rock’n’roll cliché. Same for Winehouse. It’s just sad and a great big yawn all at the same time.

– Kali


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