For $1,000,000…

January 28, 2009


Would you post hardcore pornographic photos all around your cubicle or office and keep them up – even if told to remove them – for six months or until you are fired?

Would you post hardcore pornographic photos of yourself around your cubicle at work? Same requirements.

What’s there to be conflicted about with this question? As far as I’m concerned, there’s only one right answer to this inquisitive duo and it’s yes and yes. I mean, I have a really adult day job, and it took me about a nanosecond to know I’d do this. What’s the worst case scenario here? That you’d get fired? Who. Gives. A. Shit. Then you’d have one million dollars and be able to collect unemployment. Worried about your reputation? Get over it. To be honest with you, I really don’t care what most people think of me, and I certainly couldn’t care less about what pretty much anyone I work with thinks (there’s one or two people, but they’d secretly think it was cool I agreed to do something so ridiculous for money), especially since I have what’s called a life and it has absolutely nothing to do with this place. As for displaying porno photos of myself, that would only get me fired faster – I’m guessing minutes, seconds even, from the moment they were spotted to the moment security would be leading me out the door – so I say double yes to that one. Just remember: In this scenario, it’s so very important that you make sure to take every single picture you posted of yourself with you when they toss you out on your ass. Leave no photos behind. You don’t want to be reminded of the sleazy way you made your money every time you go online (and trust me – one of your former work colleagues would probably go there).

There is one other factor I’ve considered, and that’s someone suing you for sexual harassment (hardcore porn wallpaper = hostile work environment). Who wants to spend their winnings paying off a judgment or settling out-of-court? That’s where it gets extra sticky for some of you – I’m looking at those of you with penises – and I admit, as a woman, this is less of a concern for me. But even if I did get sued I’d come up with some whopper to get out of it: I was making a public statement about how the rat race makes whores of us all; I was calling attention to the misogyny within corporate culture; I’m an apprentice for Jeff Koons in my off hours. You know – something believable like that.

– Kali

At first I was like, “No way! I’d get fired!” Then I was like, “Hey, wait a minute!” As Kali points out, I’d be out of a job but 1,000,000 dollars richer. I really don’t see the downside to that. So, an enthusiastic “YES!” to the first question. The second question, however, gives me pause. Where do these pornographic pictures of myself come from? I have zero interest in doing a dirty photo shoot for the sake of this dare. Plus, I’m shy. We’ll have to count this one as a “not sure.”

– Lauren


One Response to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. e.smith Says:

    i work in social services. i would get fired, fined, investigated, an hour.

    point moot.

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