For $1,000,000…

February 6, 2009

tampons5

Women: Would you have the heaviest flow day of your period every single day for a full year?

Men: Would you agree to get your period (you’ll menstruate from your penis with astonishing and enviable regularity: each and every 28 days for five days) for a year?

I’ll say yes to this one, but I’d have to bump up the fee to at least $3,000,000. Maybe I’ve been duped by the patriarchy, but my position on menstruation is that it’s a serious pain in the ass. As much I’d love to be one of those women who is at one with her cycle and uses a Keeper and celebrates fertility and whatnot, I’m just not. Nor will I ever be, unless I undergo a radical personality change. The fact that having my period ranks only slightly lower than going to the dentist on my list of things I’d prefer to never do again means that this dare would be a real challenge for me. Aside from the main problem (that I’d be bleeding heavily for 365 days straight), there are all of the lovely side issues that come along with one’s monthlies to consider. I’d be suffering from cramps pretty much constantly, and my skin would look like hell. Wearing white pants would be out of the question (if I actually owned any). And can you imagine how much money I’d have to spend on tampons and the like? Those things aren’t cheap, and I’m not buying the store brand. Then there’s the issue of sex…I’m not going to go into any detail here, but I think that this dare would put a damper on normal relations. Upon further reflection, let’s say $5,ooo,ooo.

I’d be quite interested to hear the male viewpoint on this dare (and frankly, guys have it much easier–a piddling once a month! I’m really not sure why there isn’t gender parity with this one), so please comment away. If you’re hazy on what this whole “period” thing entails, here’s some helpful animated information to consider.

– Lauren

As someone who looks excitedly forward to menopause, I’m pretty sure this would get annoying with the quickness. Periods seem interminable as it is, and they reek an awful lot of havoc: catching you unawares and turning your favorite underwear into trash or wearable for only five days out of each month; causing you to feel like (and let’s be honest, turn into) a fatty; inviting a cramp (“Come over, man. It’s cool.”) to just chill in your pelvic area for a few days. Not to mention the fact that some of us (me) turn into people with hairpin triggers for personalities who are seriously just waiting to WRECK SHOP at the slightest provocation. But whatever. I would definitely do this dare. I’d stock up on Midol and tampons and make the best of it. Eye of the tiger.

And yes, the guy angle is far more interesting. Dealing with the devil you know and can’t stand is easier than dealing with a devil you don’t really know but are kind of acquainted with and probably scared shitless of. Since there is no male tampon, and since biology would make it impossible for you to use a lady’s, how would you deal? Also, would it make you stop saying stupid shit like, “Is it that time of the month?” No – I’m really asking.

– Kali

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10 Responses to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. Phil Says:

    This isn’t really fair because you can’t very comfortably fit a tampon into a penis. I guess I could wear a pad with wings but what if i want to go swimming?

    That said, I’d still do it, but you know there aren’t many things I wouldn’t do for $1,000,000.

  2. liz Says:

    You know, I don’t really mind my period that much, and would answer this question yes, were it not for the qualifier “heaviest day.” Dude. I just don’t think it would be possible to live that way for a year. I feel like most of my flow is condensed into one insane day, where I am changing tampons, like, every 1-2 hours. It would be a nightmare. My room would look like a crime scene, and I would guess that within a month, I would just give up any pretense, and spend my days working from an empty bathtub, pantless. Official answer: No.

    And Kali, I think that men would have to wear some kind of blood-condom.

    And Lauren, buy some goddamn white pants! They are the best.

  3. Jon Says:

    Hell yeah I’d do it. I mean, I’m unemployed! And a condom with a tampon or two stuck in the end may do the trick, and have the added benefit of creating an attractive, albeit bloody, bulge in the pants.

  4. jason Says:

    Are you kidding?
    for that kind of money, I’d shit out of my dick for 5 days every 28days.

    hell, for that kind of money, I’d switch holes, pee out my butt (which I pretty much do half the time anyway) and poop exclusively through my urethra.

    -J

  5. autoimmunelife Says:

    Definitely not. I have endometriosis, and my heavy days are the days that can send me to an ER… so… nope… not even to be the richest woman in the world.
    J

  6. e.smith Says:

    $1,000,000 is lots of money.

    life has not guaranteed that i will not have horrible issues with my lady parts nohow. so long as i can triage cramps with meds, i am in–i would not have to worry about getting pregnant for a year, so maybe that is a +.

    i guess i would just want to make sure that i wasn’t blowing all my eggs. when the time is right, i need my eggs to meet sperms and make new humans.

  7. Ed Says:

    “The story of Menstruation” was so amazing! I can’t wait to get my “very personally yours” booklet and start keeping track of my “automatic control centers”! Where do I get one of those booklets anyways? Do they hand them out in some special place only girls know about? (Like belgium?).
    Yeah, for a million clams? No problem. if getting a period means I get to ride a bike with no hands, gather with girls around a confused scottish terrier, and stand at the center of my very own enormous sun dial, I don’t know what’s not to love. If I have to excrete thick blood from my penis every once and while, big woop, beats kidney stones, right? And most people don’t get paid a million bucks to pass a few of those. If it were every single day I might have a problem, especially if it were like a really heavy flow. And if at work every time I left a urinal there was a bunch of thick dark blood in there, it could make for some very strange rumors. But just 12 times? Bring it on!!

  8. Lauren Says:

    You can assume that unless some horrible consequence is mentioned in the dare, you’ll be okay. So don’t worry about ruining your chances for babies. A world without tiny E. Smiths running around would be a sad, sad place.

  9. Asif Says:

    the first time i visit this blog site and what do i see? CRAMMERS!!! that photo up top looks like a Techno Music Sampler Cover.


  10. Thanks with the good skating tricks!


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