February 6, 2009
Women: Would you have the heaviest flow day of your period every single day for a full year?
Men: Would you agree to get your period (you’ll menstruate from your penis with astonishing and enviable regularity: each and every 28 days for five days) for a year?
I’ll say yes to this one, but I’d have to bump up the fee to at least $3,000,000. Maybe I’ve been duped by the patriarchy, but my position on menstruation is that it’s a serious pain in the ass. As much I’d love to be one of those women who is at one with her cycle and uses a Keeper and celebrates fertility and whatnot, I’m just not. Nor will I ever be, unless I undergo a radical personality change. The fact that having my period ranks only slightly lower than going to the dentist on my list of things I’d prefer to never do again means that this dare would be a real challenge for me. Aside from the main problem (that I’d be bleeding heavily for 365 days straight), there are all of the lovely side issues that come along with one’s monthlies to consider. I’d be suffering from cramps pretty much constantly, and my skin would look like hell. Wearing white pants would be out of the question (if I actually owned any). And can you imagine how much money I’d have to spend on tampons and the like? Those things aren’t cheap, and I’m not buying the store brand. Then there’s the issue of sex…I’m not going to go into any detail here, but I think that this dare would put a damper on normal relations. Upon further reflection, let’s say $5,ooo,ooo.
I’d be quite interested to hear the male viewpoint on this dare (and frankly, guys have it much easier–a piddling once a month! I’m really not sure why there isn’t gender parity with this one), so please comment away. If you’re hazy on what this whole “period” thing entails, here’s some helpful animated information to consider.
As someone who looks excitedly forward to menopause, I’m pretty sure this would get annoying with the quickness. Periods seem interminable as it is, and they reek an awful lot of havoc: catching you unawares and turning your favorite underwear into trash or wearable for only five days out of each month; causing you to feel like (and let’s be honest, turn into) a fatty; inviting a cramp (“Come over, man. It’s cool.”) to just chill in your pelvic area for a few days. Not to mention the fact that some of us (me) turn into people with hairpin triggers for personalities who are seriously just waiting to WRECK SHOP at the slightest provocation. But whatever. I would definitely do this dare. I’d stock up on Midol and tampons and make the best of it. Eye of the tiger.
And yes, the guy angle is far more interesting. Dealing with the devil you know and can’t stand is easier than dealing with a devil you don’t really know but are kind of acquainted with and probably scared shitless of. Since there is no male tampon, and since biology would make it impossible for you to use a lady’s, how would you deal? Also, would it make you stop saying stupid shit like, “Is it that time of the month?” No – I’m really asking.