February 11, 2009
Would you attend a random stranger’s funeral wearing assless chaps?
(Would you attend anything wearing assless chaps?)
Oh, yeah, absolutely. Actually, for $1,000,000 I’d become just about the ass-chappiest person this town has ever seen and I’d wear my “assies” (I’d nickname them) everywhere. Funerals are weird places for them, I know, because people are, like, grieving and crying and someone they loved just died, so assless chaps in that situation could be upsetting or distracting and maybe even seen as disrespectful, but I’d make sure they were black (I would. I care.) and try not to draw too much attention to myself. I have a feeling I’d be asked to leave or, even better, thrown out. Or who knows? People might be into it. You can never really tell with these things. In any case, I’d show my ass cheeks for a few minutes or a few hours (depending on what the other mourners had to say about it) and then – poof! – I’d have $1,000,000. I mean, when have you ever heard a story that started off with “I once made a million dollars with my ass” and had it not end in a way that was shameful and dirty? HERE IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO CHANGE ALL THAT. This is your moment!
One more reason I’d do it is that if it’s good enough for Prince (and mark my words: he’s better than me, and he’s better than you, too) then it’s damn sure good enough for me.
Would I? You bet your sweet (exposed) bippy I would! As Kali points out, the actual length of time that you’d be seen by anyone at the funeral would most likely be very short. While there’s always a slim chance that you’d stumble upon a service for a leather enthusiast whose mourners would embrace your unconventional choice of attire, the reality is that you’d get the bum’s rush in about 5 seconds. In fact, you’d probably be out on your naked ass so fast that most people wouldn’t even notice that you had basically mooned them as they wept for the departed. As a bonus (in case you’re insane and $1,000,000 isn’t tantalizing enough), imagine how much fun it would be to shop for your chaps!! Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us to distrust any enterprise requiring new clothes, but he and I have a major difference of opinion on that front. I just love a dare that gives me an excuse to buy some new accessories.