February 13, 2009
Would you fellate a horse?
This question makes me want to yak. There is something so specifically disgusting about horse penis even in the general vicinity of my mouth that it makes me dry heave even to think about it. First of all – and I’m about to get real specific so, if you’re squeamish, SAVE YOURSELF; TURN BACK NOW – have you ever seen a horse penis? Ugh. They’re literally about 20 inches long. The truth is, the idea that being “hung like a horse” is a desirable thing for a human male is a total load of shit, and the only men who even come close to having horse-sized penises are the grossly deformed. Horses smell like the barnyard animals they are, and I want to point out the most glaring problem: THEY’RE HORSES, FOR SHIT’S SAKE. Plus, one of my clauses for doing dares is that they can’t be a threat to my sanity, and I’m pretty sure that once you drink horse cum for money you go to a dark place from whence you never return.
I think this would be a nice time to remind you about the true story of the man who loved horses. Meaning, loved to do it with them. His name was Kenneth Pinyan and – again, I’m going to get to specifics – one day, as he was getting fucked in the ass by an Arabian stallion that he’d nicknamed “Big Dick,” the horse’s two foot long penis perforated his colon. He didn’t immediately go to the hospital, despite being in an immense amount of pain, because how would he have explained? “Well, my boyfriend is an Arabian stallion and we were getting intimate while another guy videotaped it when all of a sudden he accidentally fucked my colon to shreds.” Anyway, by the time he made it to the ER, it was too late and he died. The case resulted in the passage of a bill in Washington State that makes it a felony to 1) fuck animals or 2) film animal fucking. There was also a documentary about Pinyan called Zoo (!) that did quite well at Sundance. The guy holding the camera, btw, was fined $300 and sentenced to community service. All true!
Is that too brief? How about this: NO. FUCKING. WAY.