For $1,000,000…

February 25, 2009


Would you sell your soul to the devil?

Although I’m gonna have to pass on eternal damnation, I realize there’s more to the devil than he gets credit for. Sure – he’s had his ups (sex; rock’n’roll; fishnet stockings; curse words; being the model for devil horns) and his downs (Christian rock; dolphin tattoos; Disney). But I admire how he’s out there, every day, kicking ass and really making a difference. Plus, there’s the fact that he obviously just doesn’t give a fuck. More on those who sold their souls to this eternal hipster:

1) Robert Johnson – Up side: Sells soul to devil, becomes blues guitar virtuoso. Down side: The movie Crossroads.
2) Faustus – The Germans turned this story about a scholar who trades eternity in hell for knowledge into a popular 19th century children’s puppet show. Which is like, the most German thing I’ve ever heard.
3) Criss Angel – I shit you not: There are actual rumors that Criss Angel is a minion of Satan, and that his “magic” is a gift from the devil. Wait – so, the best the devil can do these days is send some corny, stripper fucking, leather-vest-wearing hairball to do a show on basic cable? What kind of weak shit is that? Is hell just one long episode of Rock of Love?
4) James Brown – Somehow, BMW got Clive Superhot Owen, Gary Oldman and (then) living legend James Brown to star in what’s basically a 10-minute car commercial. Please enjoy its pathetic beauty for yourself. Note that the only smart thing about this perfect shitstorm of a “film” is that nearly every word of dialog James Brown (R.I.P) utters is subtitled, because otherwise I wouldn’t understand a fucking thing he’s saying.
5) Snoop Dogg – In his poignant, touching memoir The Doggfather, Snoop says he sold his soul to the devil for fortune and fame. Also, a joke about weed right here.
6) Anton LaVey – Props to LaVey for founding the Church of Satan and supposedly getting Ginger from Gilligan’s Island and Sammy Davis, Jr. to join; writing The Satanic Bible and four other up-with-Satan books; and fathering four little Satanists, including youngest son (wait for it) … Satan.
7) Procter and Gamble – Remember that rumor about the president of Procter and Gamble and how he’s a devout Satanist and that a portion of the company’s profits go to the Church of Satan? And also that company’s logo contains the number 666? Well, P&G says their president has no ties to Satanism, and they even replaced the old logo with a new, not so Satan-y one. And yet they still make Satan is My Dog tampons.

– Kali

Yeah, see, it’s the “eternal damnation” thing that I really can’t get past. Maybe Hell doesn’t exist, but maybe it does. But really, if the devil is standing in front of you demanding your signature, then I’d say chances are pretty good that there is such a place. And personally, I have no desire to experience it. You’re talking to someone who has a difficult time giving up french fries for Lent, so excuse me if roasting in the fires of sin for all time seems a bit daunting.

PS – Is hell just one long episode of Rock of Love?

Have you been watching this season? I’m inclined to say yes.

– Lauren


One Response to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. missmary Says:

    hell yeah! pretty sure i’m headed that way anyway, so why waste time??

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