For $1,000,000…

February 26, 2009


Would you have your name legally changed to Adolph Hitler?

Nope. Moral qualms aside (and believe me, I have ’em), the shitstorm you’d find yourself living in would so NOT be worth it. I’m pretty sure you could say goodbye to your friends and loved ones (who in their right mind wants to introduce “my pal, Adolph Hitler”?), and any chance of keeping or finding a job (which is a big problem, since a million doesn’t go that far these days). Plus, the negative media attention would be brutal. I’m envisioning death threats and vandalism, for starters.  Of course, people have done this – and not for money!  A restaurant owner in India thought it would be a fantastic idea to call his joint Adolph Hitler. It wasn’t. And just recently, a controversy arose over a family of Nazi-loving Jersey hillbillies who picked some rather  questionable names for their 3 unfortunate offspring: Adolph Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie.  When a local Shop-Rite refused to personalize a cake for little Adolph, the press  got wind of it and ran with the story. Although the parents claimed they’re not racists (Holocaust deniers and white separatists, but not racists – got that?), the public was skeptical (to say the least), and family services ended up stepping in to remove the children.

– Lauren

You know what always kind of freaks me out? That there was ever a period when people named their kids Adolph and everyone was just like, that’s cool. Before Hitler came along and ruined the name forever, there were good, decent people who would actually look at their innocent, beautiful newborn babies and lovingly say things like, “Let’s call him Adolph.” That must be what happened with the late Adolph Caesar, who was born in ’33 in Harlem but didn’t become a household name until he appeared in The Color Purple and A Soldier’s Story in the ‘80s; Adolph Coors, creator of the crap beer, who was born in 1847 and killed himself in 1929; Adolphe Menjou, the old-timey actor, born in 1890; and Adolf Eichmann, born 1906, who only partially counts because boy did he ever turn out to be a Nazi. But I’m getting distracted. No on becoming Adolph Hitler. Also, no to becoming:

Bull Connor
Ku Klux Fanny
Pol Pot
Dick Cheney
Foxy Nazi

– Kali


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