For $1,000,000…

February 27, 2009


Would you gain and permanently retain 50 pounds?

How about 100 pounds?

Or 200 pounds for $5 million?

Hmmm…I guess there’s at least a micro chance I’d say yes to the 50 pound dare, although, don’t hold me to that. Sure, if I actually saw the stacks of bills and smelled their sour and slightly stinky – and yet, impossibly sweet and delicious – scent, I’m not sure I could resist them. But as it is, I’d really have to mull this over. I like my body (it’s been mine all this time and I’m pretty used to it) and even feeling bloated really kind of ruins my day. I realize that this may have something to do with patriarchal notions of attractiveness tainting my thoughts, but I think becoming a much bigger person would change my life and my self image a lot, and not in a good way. Plus, the process of gaining that much weight would be a lot harder and less enjoyable than it sounds. Even when you’re eating really badly, your weight fluctuates what? Five – maybe 10, but probably not – pounds. Putting on fifty pounds would require a dedicated, sustained and intense effort, and you’d probably feel pretty fucking gross, considering the kind of super unhealthy stuff you’d have to eat nonstop to balloon quickly. And you’d have to maintain that weight for the rest of your life. Which makes this kind of a demanding dare.

As for the other two questions. There’s pretty much no amount of money (well, maybe if we start getting into the tens of millions, but again, that money would still be imaginary, so it’s hard to say) you could pay me to gain 100 pounds, and don’t get me started on the 200 pound question. So the answers on those are as follows:

1) No.
2) Hell no.

– Kali

1) No way.

2) Absolutely not.

3) Are you out of your mind?

I say this with such confidence because I’ve actually been 50 pounds heavier (and with no monetary reward). Guess what? It’s terrible. No matter what people say to the contrary, you’re first and foremost The Fat Person, and despite your bulk you’re basically invisible (that is, when you’re not being subject to ridicule and judgment). I guess in this case you’d have the consolation of being The Rich Fat Person, but that’s cold comfort in my opinion.

– Lauren (sensitive ex-fattie)


2 Responses to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. liz Says:

    Ok, I wrote out a long thing. But basically, no. Because! the only reason I would want a million dollars in the first place is so I could go live on a tropical beach somewhere. And I think being fat in the tropics sounds terrible, just on a practical level. I mean, Texas is pretty hot (91 degrees last Friday! what?) and I have found that the key to contentment is (swimming and) making sure that no part of your body touches another part of your body. You just have to be on the thin side to perfect this technique while in motion.

    (Oh shit — and I just read Kali’s excellent reasoning. You would have to maintain the weight, like, manually? Not by a process of magical weight gain? Well, then this is a solid FUCK NO.)

  2. bc Says:

    as a man, I’m going with:
    1) yes
    2) sure
    3) please?

    A fat dude with $5 million will always have an easier time getting laid than a skinny dude with nothing.

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