For 1,000,000…

March 3, 2009

hornhead

Would you live for a year with a fully functioning penis grafted on your forehead?

You know who loves this dare? Me. Because this question is what the game is all about: earning your wealth! You want a million dollars? How ‘bout you stick a fucking dick on your face for a year? Still want it now?

I say yes! I know, I know: This is bound to make you a pariah in many circles. It is also bound to make you popular in other circles that scare me. A year of having a penis on your head would require a careful balancing act of avoiding the freaks and sexual deviants who will try to befriend you for dirty reasons while also working to maintain friendships with old friends that you freak out now. You will get stared at a lot, especially by strangers, but also by loved ones who will be like, “What’s wrong with you that you have a dick growing out of your forehead?” If you get aroused in public, there will be a hard penis coming (ha!) right out of your face, and I think we can all agree that people will notice. (Guys who say yes to this dare might think of it as a more challenging reprise of puberty. But for women, this penis business will have no precedent and therefore will probably be out-and-out weird and a little traumatic.) Mostly, I think, people will have the decency to look but not touch, although occasionally, crazies and drunk people might let their fascination get the best of them. That’ll be the hardest part – letting those who can’t keep their hands to themselves know that your face penis is YOURS and not to be handled willy (again!) nilly. (I’ll bet that more than one guy will emerge from the experiment more of a sympathetic feminist than he began it).

There are some interesting things to consider here. When you do get boners in public, how will you make them go away? Will you just wait for them to go down or will you “take care of the problem?” Just askin’. Also, what about morning hard-ons? Guys get those things all the time, so I don’t know why a penis on the forehead wouldn’t do the same. It’s a concern. Just remember, whatever happens, in a year – poof! There’ll be no more head penis, no more sex face. You’ll be back to your normal self – except $1,000,000 richer!

– Kali

P.S. The picture above is an actual photo of a Chinese man named Wang Ying, who not only has that thing growing out of his forehead, but who uses it to pick up bricks. Also, he is your boyfriend.

I have to say that I’m a bit confused as to why Kali refused to (hypothetically) accept a third eye but is just fine with a penis/forehead graft. The former seems much less obtrusive than the latter, and it’s got to be way less hassle. Think about it. With a third eye, all you need are some bangs or hat pulled low to camouflage your deformity (or blessing, depending on how you choose to view it), whereas with a fully functioning wang, there’s not much you can do to cover up save for wearing a niqab for the duration of the dare. And think about how uncomfortable it would be! When flaccid, your new member would hang down along your nose and probably bounce around quite a bit (would you need a jockstrap? I guess you could rig up a little sling for it). I envision the effect being somewhat akin to having your face permanently buried in someone’s crotch, and that’s not a prospect that appeals to me.

Now, as for the care and handling (hee) of forehead boners, I’m kind of at a loss. Even if you go with a veil, it’s not going to be much help once that thing activates. I remember reading in Judy Blume’s Then Again, Maybe I Won’t that you should hold an old raincoat or a textbook over an unwanted erection, but neither of those tricks are suited for facial use. If you agree to this one, you’re on your own.

– Lauren

I can explain: 1) I always think that, per The Rules, you can’t hide whatever it is you’ve accepted to do. You can’t hang out in your house until the dare is over, you can’t wear a hat over your third eye or forehead-mounted-penis, you can’t change your way of living so no one knows the hideous change you’ve made to yourself. Also, with that being the case, 2) I’d much rather have the inconveniences related to having a penis on my forehead for a year than those related to having a third eye for a lifetime (it’s actually the first thing I mentioned as a reason why I wouldn’t do that dare). A year of volunteered deformity seems worth $1,000,000; a lifetime…not so much.

– Kali

I consider it totally acceptable to wear a hat from time to time (not every day) over your third eye, or to wear a long coat with your assless chaps if the weather is extreme. Making a drastic change to your daily life (such as moving to a new state to hide your disgrace) and/or not leaving your house for the duration of the dare are the things that are prohibited.

– Lauren

Well, I think we differ here: “With a third eye, all you need are some bangs or hat pulled low to camouflage your deformity .” I don’t think camouflaging – when that’s the expressed goal – should get a pass. The suggestion is, having a third eye is easy because you can just cover it up (whereas you can’t cover up a penis on your forehead). But what’s the difference between hiding in your home and camouflaging a feature you don’t like but accepted as part of a dare? You have to deal with the downsides, not hide them. I truly believe that means no hats pulled down to hide it, and certainly no bangs (which cover up The Dreaded Thing every day). People have to see it, or it might as well not be there, in which case I don’t think you deserve to be rewarded with so much money.

– Kali

Mark’s comment is totally right on. I wondered a few of those things myself, especially re: the peeing issue. I assume that fully functional means… well, fully functional, with all that implies. It really brings up some interesting anatomical questions, though.

– Lauren

I responded to Mark’s questions in the comments section, and they got me to thinking, and so I just want to stress a few things: Any one of these questions could potentially beg a million other questions. Some of the answers are obvious if you really consider the situation (yes, a flaccid penis attached to your forehead will likely flop around and probably block your vision on occasion; “fully functional” means you can pee from it), some you have to just guess at (penises come in different sizes, so I suspect a penis grafted onto your forehead could be any range of lengths). Whenever I answer one of these questions there are a million little questions I usually ask myself about it, and I decide if I’d do or not do the dare based on that. But I’m in the same position as anyone else who reads this site: I don’t have any special information or insight that makes answering it easier. As written in The Rules (I know I’m such a stickler about them but they really do kind of spell out everything you need to know to play the game), the questions are what they are, and I suspect they’d probably be less interesting and fun if every aspect of them was answered and if every question was so detailed in its stipulations that it was a paragraph long. If you wonder something about a question, it’s likely something you can figure out for yourself if you really think about it — or you can simply wing it! There may be assumptions you sometimes you have to make, and since most of these questions involve sticky situations, it’s probably a good idea to err on the side of caution (and you can certainly ask us for more information, but really, our answers aren’t any more informed than yours would be). But do you really want the questions to be so narrow in their descriptions? It’s nice to have some wiggle room, to be able to imagine it your own way and, at the end of the day, it’s a game. Have fun with it!

– Kali

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2 Responses to “For 1,000,000…”

  1. slutsky Says:

    Guys!!

    There are so many things that need to be addressed about this dare and I am shocked that you haven’t.

    I guess they are mainly dude-centric, though.

    1) Is this, like, your “main” penis? Do you pee out of it?

    2) If you’re aroused, do both flags go up?

    3) Can it be used, uh, intimately?

    4) Will it hang in front of your face?

    5) How big is it??

  2. Kali Says:

    Well, the way I always think of these dares is that they’re presented to us (Lauren and I) the same way they’re presented to you: with few details. My entire last paragraph was going to be about urination out of the fore-penis – in fact, I actually wrote about it and erased it! I just generally assume that I’ll either do the dare or not based on the information given (and that I should err on the side of caution – meaning, consider the worst case scenario and, if it’s too scary, stay away from it.) So – to answer your questions – and this is all my own idea about the dare (eds. note: This is really two questions) 1) no, but 1.5) yes, you COULD, but you wouldn’t HAVE to 2) yes, 3) yes, 4) if flaccid, yes – definitely, 5) I dunno. Depends on the luck of the draw, just like in real life. But, for the record, that was going to be my concluding joke.


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