For $1,000,000…

March 4, 2009


Men: Would you have your voice permanently altered to sound like Minnie Mouse?

Women: Would you have your voice permanently altered to sound like Barry White?

Yes. And seeing as how I’m a huge fan, this would be kind of fun in a strange way. It would take some getting used to, of course, but I think I could deal with it. I’m not a singer or an actor or otherwise involved in a profession in which I rely on my voice, so it’s not like the change would dash my hopes of someday appearing at Carnegie Hall. In fact, since I’m a bland mezzo soprano who can barely carry a tune, accepting this dare might actually improve my situation. The talent situation, that is. I’m willing to concede that in other ways, this dare would be a total pain in the ass. Aside from the frequent double-takes I’d be subjected to pretty much everywhere I went, phone conversations with those not aware of my special ability would be a challenge. While some folks would probably be willing to hear me out, I’m betting that I’d get hung up on A LOT by people assuming a prank was afoot. Fortunately, this is 2009, so I’d be able to accomplish quite a bit via electronic means. As for my friends/loved ones, I assume (hope?) that they’d be broadminded enough to accept the change in my vocal register. Some might even find it endearing, and hopefully those who think the situation is creepy and unnatural could be sweet-talked into submission by my hypnotizing bass purr. You know who’s qualified to satisfy you, baby.

– Lauren

This question reminds me of the scene in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure when Pee Wee sneaks onto the Warner Brothers lot and then asks two random extras — a man and a woman — where he can find the soundstage that his bike is on. The guy answers in a super high lady voice (see 9:49 here) and the woman sounds like a burly dude (see the very beginning of this clip). The deeply philosophical message behind this scene? That it’s awkward having a voice that doesn’t match how you look, but that it’s also kind of funny. I would definitely accept this dare, because in the scales of my life money carries a lot more weight and influence than awkwardness or blank stares or being (consistently and always) misidentified as a tranny. In fact, this one is pretty easy — kind of a like being in possession of a really bizarre party trick — although, you might want to really mull this one over if you’re on the market. People want to date members of the sex they’re attracted to and having a voice that conflicts so strongly with your exterior might convince some suitors that there’s false advertising at work.

Just keeping your sexual well-being in mind, friend. Because that’s how special you are to me.

– Kali


6 Responses to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. Noah Cohen Says:

    I’m already having a hard time getting laid with the bookish, nerdy thing I’ve got going on. I think sounding like Minnie Mouse would make my chances even worse…although, a million dollars would do wonders for my standing with the ladies. How cruel to have to choose! Oh, the humanity!

  2. Dan Perstin Says:

    I’m into it, dude. I would take the million and then do freelance work doing the voice of Minnie Mouse in Disney cartoons. Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo money.

  3. Kali Says:

    Wait — does Disney even make movies anymore with Minnie Mouse in them? Didn’t they stop doing that in like, the ’50s or something? I always think modern Disney is all new fangled and hyperrealistic and Disney-Pixar and stuff.

  4. Dan Perstin Says:

    Pretty sure. They used to show brand new Mickey and Minnie Mouse cartoons on the Disney channel.

  5. H.Chen Says:

    i could sing sweet nothigns in my gf’s ear like barry white and buy her all the things she is always me asking me for… and have some left over for me…. ha ha. say yes. why not?

  6. e.smith Says:

    sign me up

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: