March 10, 2009
Would you have all your head hair permanently removed and instead have an artistic, trompe l’oeil rendering of a haircut of your choosing tattooed in its place?
This is one of those dares that tends to trigger helpless laughing fits in people. When I mentioned it to Mr. Lauren, for example, he executed a spit-take that would do The Three Stooges proud. There’s just something really funny about a) bald heads, b) bizarre attempts to cover up bald heads, and c) horrible tattoos. As this dare combines all of the aforementioned ha-ha’s, it’s pretty much unfuckwithable. How could I say no?
I’ll tell you how: I need more money. While I’d have no problem* going around resembling a deranged Playmobil person (you know how they have those molded plastic ‘dos? I think this tattoo would be sort of like that), and I’d certainly appreciate a permanent way to deal with my ever-multiplying white hair, I think that the payoff in this case is a wee bit miserly. We’re talking a lifelong image change here, not a cheap joke that would be over with in a year’s time. Up the ante to $5,000,000, and I’m in. Praise the lord and pass the clippers!
* OK, so that’s a bit of an overstatement. I’d actually really miss looking like a normal person (and being treated like one. Can you imagine the public reaction?).
Ugh. A million dollars is a lot of money to me. But this is just not a look I think I could pull off or be happy with. Even if a really, really good tattoo artist drew on a hairdo that mimicked Josephine Baker’s cutesy lacquered flapper cut or a skillfully rendered Mia-Farrow-in-Rosemary’s-Baby pixie style, I know I’d just look like…an asshole. And with the scalp being poor padding, this tattoo would be very painful. I’m with Lauren on this one: $1,000,000 isn’t gonna cut (ha!) it, but I am flexible. I think I could do this for, say, $3,000,000. Then we’d have a deal.
I also want to add that I am sure – positive, actually – that one of those Modern Primitive types has already done this for free. You know – the sort of person who went to College at Reed and drives around in a grandparent’s old Benz they inherited. I’m looking at you, Baldy McPiercing. YOU MAKE-A ME SICK!