For $1,000,000…

March 10, 2009

Head tat

Would you have all your head hair permanently removed and instead have an artistic, trompe l’oeil rendering of a haircut of your choosing tattooed in its place?

This is one of those dares that tends to trigger helpless laughing fits in people. When I mentioned it to Mr. Lauren, for example, he executed a spit-take that would do The Three Stooges proud. There’s just something really funny about a) bald heads, b) bizarre attempts to cover up bald heads, and c) horrible tattoos. As this dare combines all of the aforementioned ha-ha’s, it’s pretty much unfuckwithable. How could I say no?

I’ll tell you how: I need more money. While I’d have no problem* going around resembling a deranged Playmobil person (you know how they have those molded plastic ‘dos? I think this tattoo would be sort of like that), and I’d certainly appreciate a permanent way to deal with my ever-multiplying white hair, I think that the payoff in this case is a wee bit miserly. We’re talking a lifelong image change here, not a cheap joke that would be over with in a year’s time. Up the ante to $5,000,000, and I’m in. Praise the lord and pass the clippers!

* OK, so that’s a bit of an overstatement. I’d actually really miss looking like a normal person (and being treated like one. Can you imagine the public reaction?).

– Lauren

Ugh. A million dollars is a lot of money to me. But this is just not a look I think I could pull off or be happy with. Even if a really, really good tattoo artist drew on a hairdo that mimicked Josephine Baker’s cutesy lacquered flapper cut or a skillfully rendered Mia-Farrow-in-Rosemary’s-Baby pixie style, I know I’d just look like…an asshole. And with the scalp being poor padding, this tattoo would be very painful. I’m with Lauren on this one: $1,000,000 isn’t gonna cut (ha!) it, but I am flexible. I think I could do this for, say, $3,000,000. Then we’d have a deal.

I also want to add that I am sure – positive, actually – that one of those Modern Primitive types has already done this for free. You know – the sort of person who went to College at Reed and drives around in a grandparent’s old Benz they inherited. I’m looking at you, Baldy McPiercing. YOU MAKE-A ME SICK!

– Kali


5 Responses to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. helenbelen Says:

    oh no, no, no. too attached to my hair for this. i don’t want to be the bald lady in the freak show.

  2. Dan Perstin Says:

    I’m already losing my hair. I’d be doing myself a favor. From a distance, maybe it would just look like I’m wearing a helmet. Anyway, girls don’t care if you have a helmet tattooed on your head if you have a million dollars. I’m going all the way in!

  3. liz Says:

    Oh man, this one is tough! I think that I would do this. I have a couple of concerns, and I am sure they are not the right ones. First, there is no doubt that I would panic and choose the wrong hairstyle. And that would make me slightly angry for, I guess, a long time. Second, I don’t really mind looking like a freak, but I don’t want to talk to people about it. Just imagine how many conversations you would have to have about the hair tattoo. So boring. Third, I would have to be very careful not to hang out at the same place as that leopard man who lives here. I’m sure he is a nice person, but all of a sudden we would have this undeniable connection. And then people would be like, “oh yeah, I went to Lovejoy’s last night, Leopard Guy and Hair Chick were there. It was pretty cool.” There’s a lot to go along with that last one, actually. Like, argh, all of a sudden I would run the risk of having my likeness used to further the “Keep Austin Weird” bullshit. If someone put my head on any sort of tie-dyed propaganda, I would need to demand a bonus for this stunt.

    But, yeah, I would do it. And if there was any possible way to get a tattoo that suggests Javier Bardem’s haircut from “No Country for Old Men,” that would be great. (Thereby proving that concern #1 is, in fact, totally valid.)

  4. missmary Says:

    i’d get a devil’s lock and just rock that shit. give me the money!

  5. Lauren Says:

    Liz, I love you. I was envisioning something along Chigurh lines, too, but I think Kali’s idea of a pixie cut is more practical. Although I do like the sound of a devil’s lock…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: