March 20, 2009
Would you always wear pants with a large brown, suggestive spot on the butt for a year?
I was going to choose a more “serious” dare today, but at this point all I can think about is the sound of the factory whistle and an extra large martini, so I’m giving you some fluff instead.
Despite the fact that it would be kind of tiresome to wear the same damn pair of pants day in and day out, I would totally do this. Looking on the bright side, there would be no more standing in front of the closet, paralyzed by wardrobe indecision. Plus, there’s the whole getting a million dollars thing. While this dare might bring back uncomfortable memories of junior high embarrassment involving white corduroy pants and “that time of the month,” I’m pretty sure that the money would help me get over any resurgent sense of shame. And really, if people stare – fuck ’em. This is New York. They should be thankful that I’m just sporting a stain, not an actual pant-load like many of the men who hang around outside the liquor store on my corner.
I have to thank Lauren for choosing such an excellent Friday question – one that doesn’t require a lot of internal debate on a day when, coincidentally, I’m more likely to throw caution to the wind anyway. I would do this, of course, although I have to say, when we came up with this question I didn’t picture it as the same pair of pants. It was more like, suddenly all your pairs of pants would have poopy stains on the butt, and for a year, you’d be stuck with a rotation of (seemingly?) messed trousers to wear each and every day (begging the eternal question, What the fuck is wrong with your bowels?). With this new perspective to consider, I have to say that either way, it doesn’t matter. It’s a yes in both scenarios. People will talk but really, who cares. They’re already talking shit (ha!) about you, and your pants are spotless.
You know, I didn’t even consider the possibility that all of my pants would suddenly become soiled-looking. I envisioned being given (perhaps in some kind of ceremony) a stained pair to be worn for the duration* of the challenge by the Guardian of Dares.
* With washing/dry cleaning permitted, of course, although that brown blossom isn’t going anywhere.