For $1,000,000…

March 30, 2009


Would you take a foot off your height?

Tall people, if you say no to this one then I’ll be very disappointed in you! Let’s say you’re 6’3″… Getting rid of a foot would still leave you above 5′, which isn’t bad. I, on the other hand, would be reduced (permanently, it should be noted) to a ridiculously diminutive 4’5″, which is approximately the height of Mr. Lauren’s 6-year old nephew. That’s getting into freakshow territory, really. I’d have to field an endless stream of “Are you a dwarf or are you a midget” questions and explain the fact that I’m neither, plus I’d probably be mistaken for a progeria victim on a regular basis.

And then you have the practical concerns. Where would I shop? My grandmother was 4’9″, and she often had to resort to the children’s department, where she was lucky to find something that didn’t feature  Minnie Mouse or proclaim that she had The World’s Best Daddy. With my shopping habits I’d end up spending the entire million with the quickness on custom-made clothes, and then where would I be? Broke and tiny, that’s where. Nein danke.

– Lauren

Absolutely not. That would make me 4’8″ — by definition, a dwarf. Not that there’s anything wrong with that — little people these days do lots of things people in the ’50s could never have imagined (let’s be honest, okay? People in the ’50s sucked. They institutionalized people for having like, unsightly moles, and made pretty much everyone else join freak shows, and generally were a bunch of close-minded idiots. I’m just saying what you’re thinking…). Still, life would be decidedly different, and more specifically, a lot harder. I regret I don’t have the balls to deal with the difficulties associated with being much shorter but…well, I just don’t. So the answer’s no. Sorry.

– Kali


One Response to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. I’ve got enough problems. I don’t need to be short too. I decline.

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