April 2, 2009
Would you have one of your eyes replaced with a glass eye?
You known what’s pretty fucking bitchin’? Eye patches. You could be like, the biggest dork on the planet and an eye patch would turn you into a dangerous, mysterious, one-eyed sexpot. If you think eye patches are only for pirates, you need to get hip to the jive, Poindexter, and take a look at all the famous eye patch wearers throughout history. Q: You know what they have in common? A: Nothing really, except for the fact that they’re all cooler than you. There’s Patch, from Switchblade Sisters (“Hey – I lost my eye for this gang!”), Elle Driver (Quentin Tarantino’s attempt to sneak a fake Patch into one of his own movies. J’accuse!), Bushwick Bill, Your Mother (YA BURNT!), Danger Mouse, Slick Rick and Sammy Davis, Jr. See? All better than you. I really wasn’t lying.
Comparatively, the list of glass eye wearers is pretty piss poor. Sandy Duncan and Sammy Davis, Jr. — who was clearly trying to milk his cool points by wearing as many prosthetic eye parts as he could (We are not amused, Mr. Jr.). Anywho, I’m going to have to say no to this one because I NEED BOTH MY FUCKING EYES AND DON’T WANT THEM VIOLENTLY GOUGED OUT.
So, yeah. That’s a no for me.
While there is no way that I’d say yes to this (come on – what if something happened to my remaining good eye? I’d be blind, for chrissakes!), I feel compelled to point out that Peter Falk and Ry Cooder both belong on the list of glass eye-wearers, and they up the cool factor by like, a zillion.