For $1,000,000…

April 2, 2009


Would you have one of your eyes replaced with a glass eye?

You known what’s pretty fucking bitchin’? Eye patches. You could be like, the biggest dork on the planet and an eye patch would turn you into a dangerous, mysterious, one-eyed sexpot. If you think eye patches are only for pirates, you need to get hip to the jive, Poindexter, and take a look at all the famous eye patch wearers throughout history. Q: You know what they have in common? A: Nothing really, except for the fact that they’re all cooler than you. There’s Patch, from Switchblade Sisters (“Hey – I lost my eye for this gang!”), Elle Driver (Quentin Tarantino’s attempt to sneak a fake Patch into one of his own movies. J’accuse!), Bushwick Bill, Your Mother (YA BURNT!), Danger Mouse, Slick Rick and Sammy Davis, Jr. See? All better than you. I really wasn’t lying.

Comparatively, the list of glass eye wearers is pretty piss poor. Sandy Duncan and Sammy Davis, Jr. — who was clearly trying to milk his cool points by wearing as many prosthetic eye parts as he could (We are not amused, Mr. Jr.). Anywho, I’m going to have to say no to this one because I NEED BOTH MY FUCKING EYES AND DON’T WANT THEM VIOLENTLY GOUGED OUT.

So, yeah. That’s a no for me.

– Kali

While there is no way that I’d say yes to this (come on – what if something happened to my remaining good eye? I’d be blind, for chrissakes!), I feel compelled to point out that Peter Falk and Ry Cooder both belong on the list of glass eye-wearers, and they up the cool factor by like, a zillion.

– Lauren


5 Responses to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. Ry Cooder is the man. I didn’t know he had a faux eye though. Keep the money.

  2. if vanity is a sin then i dont want to be unsinful. i say no. sure blindness sucks but so does ugly facebook pictures.

  3. Nope, my peripheral vision is precious to me.

  4. María Says:

    Mr. Johnson, my high school Spanish teacher, had a glass eye and looked like a bullfrog. He would put all the cute girls in the front row for his viewing pleasure. He also loved the preterite form of the verb “poner” and would say it over and over.
    Imagine a giant bullfrog with a wandering glass eye repeating, “Puse! Puse! Puse!”

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