For $1,000,000…

April 6, 2009


Would you keep all your urine in sealed glass jars, Howard Hughes style, for a year?

Who’s to say I don’t already? Maybe I’m one of those eccentric millionairesses batshit crazy indigent shut-ins who just loves spending rainy Sundays counting my many, many mason jars full of sweet, sweet honey-colored urine – my very own urine! Maybe, you only think my fridge is full of jars of beer and sweet tea but, really, those are actually jars of my urine. Maybe, I’m really proud of everything I’ve ever made — not just the stuff I built with my own two hands* — and I like to look around me and also see all the wonderful things I’ve created with my bladder. And my kidneys and my urethra. And my ureters, too. Maybe I like to look at each of those jars of pee and think, I made that, and remember a simpler time — a time when I peed into a jar.

But maybe not. Because, actually, I think that shit (or urine — get it?) is pretty gross. So, no, I have not been collecting my pee, but that’s only because I’m not the kind of person who would collect pee for free. I am, however, the kind of person who would collect pee for money. For one million dollars, I would be more than happy to only pee into glass jars and then seal those jars tight and then use them to build a wall of liquid amber in my apartment. For a million dollars? Easy, peesy.

* Just kidding. I’ve never built anything with my hands.

– Kali


15 Responses to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. Dan Perstin Says:

    I think your house would be very smelly after a few months. Not saying this would stop me from doing this one. It wouldn’t. I’m just saying you would be a stinky pre-millionare. But yes for me too.

  2. gk Says:

    Gross. And yes.
    Yes. And gross.

  3. Yancey Says:

    it would be like living in a soggy diaper. if i can make sure those jars and sealed air-tight, def.

  4. jk Says:

    i would absolutely do this. and i’m not even convinced that it would smell. the bigger worry would be wtf to do with it once the year is up. because can you imagine unscrewing the lid on a glass jar of urine that had been stored for a year?

    • Kali Says:

      You wouldn’t open the jars yourself, silly! You’d pay to have them removed from your home. Therein lies the beauty of having a million dollars. Waste removal!!!

  5. and after the year you can use the pee as a facial cleanser. its true.

  6. Since I do this already, I’d be willing to do this for as little as $500. The stool sample option is totally out though.

  7. I suppose I would do this, but only if I had the space to store this. I don’t think I could do this unless I sacrificed the “dining room” part of my kitchen, which seems like the absolute worst place to store such a thing.

    • Kali Says:

      Pee in the dining room is guaranteed to put a damper (pamper?) on the pleasure of eating, but imagine your new dining room once you receive your $1M reward for having urine as a roommate for a year!

  8. alantru Says:

    Oh yeah, I’d do it. And I’d call it a performance art installment. That could mean a review in The New York Times… If, there still is a New York Times, that is…

  9. Sweats Model Says:

    Absolutely yes, I’d do it! (As long as they were wide-mouth jars)

  10. dana Says:

    You mean I’ve been doing this all my life and I could have made millions??

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