For $1,000,000…

April 7, 2009


Would you go five rounds with a boxing kangaroo?

I would fight a variety of wild animals for a million dollars (no, really. I would.) but, holy crap, have you ever seen a kangaroo box? Basically, they knock you out cold first thing and then just keep kicking your ass once you’re down. And if you think you can bob and weave your way through a fight with a kangaroo you are sadly, pathetically, assbeatenly mistaken. I promise you, that kangaroo is going to jab you right in the face real quick-like and then he’s going to start kicking you with his super duper strong hind legs, just like in 1) nature and 2) Looney Tunes cartoons – the ones where that baby kangaroo would beat the holy living crap out of Sylvester. You know who learned this the hard way? These three peopleand that kangaroo had a rapport with two of them! I mean, that’s what it’s like when a kangaroo goes easy on you, for god’s sake! Kangaroos mean business, and when you set foot into a ring with them you better know that. Because you are going down.

Also, who the hell fights kangaroos? I mean, aside from people living in the 19th century? I guess there’s been some weird kangaroo boxing going on in Shanghai in the last few years, but that seems to be some isolated and totally bizarre thing. You want to know why animals attack? Because one minute you’re just hanging around in the Outback with your joey eating shrubs and stuff and the next you’re in a g.d. ring with human boxing gloves tied to your paws and some guy in a clown suit all up in your grill. I’d knock that clown out, too, if I had kangaroo strength.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, my money-lusting animal brain wants to say yes to this dare but my sense of self-preservation says no. So I’m torn – I guess I sit directly on the fence on this one.

– Kali


12 Responses to “For $1,000,000…”

  1. gk Says:

    yeah sure. i could take out a kangaroo.

  2. Dan Perstin Says:

    Does your family get the money if the kangaroo kills you?

  3. I am waaaaaaaaay too much of a wuss to do this one.

  4. Yancey Says:

    there was that mighty boosh episode with the kangaroo fight. that did not end well.

  5. doorknobs Says:

    Sit on the fence for this one?? COP OUT!

  6. womaninblack Says:

    Are they fighting in that picture? Or is the Roo mugging him for the camera?
    I like the way it continues to pose for its close up even when strangling the bearded star of The Joy of Sex books.

    • Kali Says:

      Yes, it’s all about the close-up with kangaroos. In addition to all that boxing stuff I mentioned, they’re also incredibly vain. True — and little known — fact!

  7. Maris Says:

    That million dollars would go towards reconstructive surgery and therapy bills. So, no.

  8. I am not getting a roo beat down for any amount of money, in fact, I usually root for the animal in any man-animal interaction.

    I watched the movie “Grizzly Man” a few months ago and was totally wanting the bears to kick this pinhead’s ass…which (spoiler alert) they did in a big way. Go Bears!!!

  9. alantru Says:

    Yes. (love that picture by the way) Because it’s not cruelty to animals because it would kick the crap out of me. I’d never get a blow in and see myself in a fetal ball after about 3 seconds. From there it’s just five rounds of Hoppy putting the boot in.

  10. Deano... Says:

    A Kangaroo will hold you with their front paws and balance on their tail while they disembowel you with the large claw on their hind legs. Or if a dog or dogs are after them (dingoes, yes baby eaters) the kangaroo will jump into a stream or river and drowned the dogs with there front paws. They also breed with wallabies to make a wallaroo. The wallaroo is big like a kangaroo and solid and large boned like a wallaby. When you hit one with a car it’s like hitting a 44 gallon drum filled with cement. I’ve been driving a night and had mobs of 50-120 roos flowing across the road. Some get stunned by the head lights and sit in the middle of the road and you have to nudge them off with the front of the car to get through. The big trucks (road trains) don’t stop, its carnage, meat and guts for miles.
    And no I wouldn’t fight one. That looks like a big red roo (get up to over 7 feet tall) not the cute grey ones. Love the photo. That’s a 500c Hasselblad camera that’s flying through the air. Was one of the most expensive cameras in the world (Swedish- made by Victor Hasselblad) I got one. It just sits in a box now.

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