April 9, 2009
Would you eat a shoebox full of dandruff?
Okay, so, not to be a jerk about it, but if you say no to this one, you’re kind of answering it wrong. Because (and again, I don’t want to be a dick here. If you hate money, you hate money) you’ve taken in far worse things than dandruff before. If you are breathing at this very moment – and I’m guessing you are – the kind of disgusting stuff you’re breathing in is a lot grosser than just dead skin flakes. And actually, like, 70 percent of it is dead skin flakes (people are constantly shedding their skin all over the place – it adds up to about 1.5 million flakes per person per hour), mixed with stuff like the carcasses and feces of dust mites (the tiny bugs that live in your bed and your carpet and your furniture and eat your dead skin), bacteria, mold spores, toxic chemicals and other microcrap that can cause asthma and general annoyance. Plus, you’re constantly eating totally yucky things. There are rat hairs, insect heads, maggots and bug eggs in every food product that you buy – and those are the ones the meet the FDA’s standards! (A full list of what’s permissible is here, but this less heady general breakdown is a good cheat sheet.) In fact, one study found that Americans unknowingly eat about one to two pounds of bugs and bug parts a year – and bugs are tiny, so imagine how many of them it takes to equal two pounds. I hate to be a bummer, but I (and you, too!) already consume an awful lot of really nasty things, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Dandruff seems like a fairly innocuous meal in contrast, and at least I have some agency in deciding to eat it. So I say yes, yes, yes to this dare! I would absolutely eat a shoebox full of dandruff for one million dollars. And frankly, I’d do it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. One you’ve eaten bug poop – and we all most certainly have – dandruff is cake.