For $1,000,000…

March 31, 2009

waterboarding

Would you be waterboarded?

Hell yes. Not only would I experience the TORTURE (fuck you, Dick Cheney) that is waterboarding, but I have a few people I’d like to personally waterboard. For political reasons, mostly. I’ll start with former Bush administration members and work my way down to conservative bloggers. Yeah.

– Kali

Since drowning is one of my biggest fears, this is a no. Seriously, I start taking huge, gasping breaths if I even think about it, and I basically go nuts if I feel confined in any way, so I’m afraid that this dare would give me a heart attack. And what good is a million dollars if you’re dead?

Now if the question were “Would you waterboard someone?” then my answer would be different. Although I have the patience of a long-suffering saint, people just go too far sometimes. I can think of one or two or fifty folks right off the bat who I’d like to “question,” starting with the nursery school attendant who force-fed me corned beef hash 28 years ago. Miss Denise, I’m looking at you!

Not like I’m a grudge-holder or anything.

– Lauren

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For $1,000,000…

March 30, 2009

Sign

Would you take a foot off your height?

Tall people, if you say no to this one then I’ll be very disappointed in you! Let’s say you’re 6’3″… Getting rid of a foot would still leave you above 5′, which isn’t bad. I, on the other hand, would be reduced (permanently, it should be noted) to a ridiculously diminutive 4’5″, which is approximately the height of Mr. Lauren’s 6-year old nephew. That’s getting into freakshow territory, really. I’d have to field an endless stream of “Are you a dwarf or are you a midget” questions and explain the fact that I’m neither, plus I’d probably be mistaken for a progeria victim on a regular basis.

And then you have the practical concerns. Where would I shop? My grandmother was 4’9″, and she often had to resort to the children’s department, where she was lucky to find something that didn’t feature  Minnie Mouse or proclaim that she had The World’s Best Daddy. With my shopping habits I’d end up spending the entire million with the quickness on custom-made clothes, and then where would I be? Broke and tiny, that’s where. Nein danke.

– Lauren

Absolutely not. That would make me 4’8″ — by definition, a dwarf. Not that there’s anything wrong with that — little people these days do lots of things people in the ’50s could never have imagined (let’s be honest, okay? People in the ’50s sucked. They institutionalized people for having like, unsightly moles, and made pretty much everyone else join freak shows, and generally were a bunch of close-minded idiots. I’m just saying what you’re thinking…). Still, life would be decidedly different, and more specifically, a lot harder. I regret I don’t have the balls to deal with the difficulties associated with being much shorter but…well, I just don’t. So the answer’s no. Sorry.

– Kali

For $1,000,000…

March 27, 2009

carrottop

Would you have sex with Carrot Top?

Ha. I get it. This question is funny because everybody used to hate Carrot Top, but now they double hate him because he’s not funny AND he looks like a ‘roided up tranny face.

Um, no.

– Kali

That would be a “no”  for me. To give you an inkling of the level of my disgust, I’m filing this one under “All Out Gross Outs,” even though it should be in “Sexiness.” Take that, Carrot Top!

– Lauren

PS – Wait a sec… Is he naked in that photo? Excuse me while I puke.

For $1,000,000…

March 26, 2009

lampshade_drunk1

Would you spike a recovering alcoholic’s drink with liquor, knowing that it would cause a relapse?

If I had never seen an alcoholic relapse in front of me, then there’s a terrible part of me that might have been tempted to consider (just consider, mind you, not say yes) this dare for a second. Now, it’s no secret that I enjoy a drink or five from time to time. Many of my friends, too, are fond of the old Mother’s Ruin, not to mention my parents (hi, Mom and Dad!). You go out (or stay in), you have a few cocktails or glasses of wine. Maybe the next night you don’t drink at all, or maybe you do. No big deal. Except what I was never able to understand at a gut level is that for some people, it’s a really big deal. I realize how idiotic that sounds, but bear with me. When I was in Europe, I had a friend who had been in AA for several years and was generally doing really well with his sobriety. Although it was obviously a daily struggle, he made it look pretty manageable. He was diligent about finding meetings and a local sponsor, and he seemed tolerant of and vaguely amused by the prodigious amounts that everyone else drank.

Then came the visit to the winery. I’m still not totally clear on what happened, but he started to drink. I remember nervously asking him if it was a good idea, and I also remember other people being delighted that he was finally “loosening up.” And loosen up he did. To this day I’ve never seen someone go from zero to hammered as quickly, nor have I seen such an immediate and almost physical change come over someone. It was some serious Jekyll and Hyde business. The kicker came the next morning, when he said, “I really wasn’t that bad, was I? I was thinking that I could probably start drinking a little bit again.”  Holy shit. Although things were OK in the end, I still feel guilty to this day that I didn’t execute a flying leap across the table and kick the wineglass out of my friend’s hand. And I never want to see that happen again.

Long story short – there is no way that I would be responsible for causing someone to relapse.

– Lauren

Wow. This is a compelling and scary story, and it really made me stop in tracks and think about this question in a way I don’t know that I would’ve if I hadn’t read it. Drinking is all fun and games (except for the hangovers) until someone gets…hurt in a way that genuinely impacts their life, I guess. I think the guilt associated with watching someone’s demise — especially one that you not only stand by idly and watch, but facilitate and are specifically responsible for, might be too much for me. In other news, Lauren, this story is kind of amazing.

– Kali

For $1,000,000…

March 25, 2009

mickeyears1

Would you have your ears permanently increased to Mickey Mouse proportions? You’ll still be able to hear just fine.

Oh god, this would be horrible. Especially to look at. In fact, every imaginable variant is just an effin’ nightmare. Maybe your ears would be Mickey Mouse sized but — with the cartilage stretched to such lengths — they’d lose all form and you’d end up with these floppy elephant ear things hanging sadly off your head (which would technically make them Dumbo ears, I guess). Or, in another vision, your ears would turn into cartoon-mouseish gigantic discs, but somehow they would retain their shape, so that you’d have these massive, plate-sized things flanking your face (which they would approximate in size). Or maybe they’d really be exact replicas of Mickey Mouse’s ears — the same gigantic size and positioned so they sit, literally, atop your head. In any case, the mental image is super scary and weird and disgusting and freakshow. No, no, no for me on this. And it’s for the rest of your life?!? I’m not going out like that.

– Kali

No, but thanks for asking.

– Lauren

For $1,000,000…

March 24, 2009

cat_tail_whip

Would you become a regular at a sex/swingers club? You must participate regularly and enthusiastically!

As you can tell by reading this blog, I have negative associations with many, many things  (what can I say – I’m just judgmental like that). Toward the top of this lengthy list are sex clubs and “swinging.” Whenever I happen to think of them (and it’s not often), I envision faded, stained upholstery and the pudgy, leering face of legendarily unattractive pornographer Al Goldstein, who was one of the talking heads on a program I saw a while ago about sexuality in the 70s. Interspersed with his crass commentary (big surprise – he liked to hang out at the buffet table*) was footage of Plato’s Retreat, one of the most famous sex clubs of all time, and everyone (well, every man) was kind of pasty and hirsute. It was just so off-putting. While having a million dollars would be fantastic, I’m not going to have semi-anonymous sex on a regular basis with a bunch of sweaty strangers to earn it. Like it says in the bio, I’m really quite prudish.

* Yes, these places had buffet tables. I don’t consider myself to be overly fussy when it comes to germs and food safety, but really.

– Lauren

Have you ever seen The Lifestyle? If you haven’t, do. For the innocents who have not, a little primer: The Lifestyle is a documentary about real life swingers. Perhaps the message most obviously learned from the film is that, if you are looking for a community of sexy, glistening hardbodies to do it with, swinging is NOT the scene for you. Conversely, if you are looking to take up with a group of aging accountants and engineers with soft, doughy flesh and insatiable sex drives, then by all means, GET YOUR SWING ON. I like to think of it as a Scared Straight for those who might otherwise end up in a sweaty pile of scary.

– Kali

For $1,000,000…

March 23, 2009

mike-tyson1

Would you get one of those really intricate Maori tattoos (permanently, duh) covering your face and neck?

I can’t even think about the Maori these days without seeing Mike Tyson’s face. Which is a real bummer for the Maori because – believe you me – they know that he like, totally co-opted their look and they are really not psyched about it. (I’ve never actually met a Maori tribe member but the Internets told me.) It’s like this totally sacred cultural expression and meanwhile, the dude who eats ears got one for shits and giggles.* I mean, for fuck’s sake. Haven’t the Maori been through enough already?

Lucky for them, I won’t be tarnishing their cultural legacy in any way because you couldn’t pay me to get one of those things. I’m really not into fucking with the face and I’m definitely not down with turning myself into The Enigma or anyone else who looks like they’d be in one of those punk rock traveling circus things – which is so ‘90s I can’t even tell you. And to be honest, I kinda think getting lots of tattoos is also totally ‘90s, and really fucking corny. Plus, you know who loves them some tattoos? Normal people. Frat and sorority idiots who genuinely believe that having a drawing on their skin makes them edgy. Getthefuckout. I mean seriously – who are you trying to shock. My grandmother?

So there you have it. This is a no for me. Sorry.

* Technically, he only chewed it – he didn’t actually swallow it – so “eat” isn’t the right word but, really, who gives a fuck? He bit someone’s ear off! This is my impersonation of Mike Tyson: “Mmmmm…Ears!!! I love ‘em! Love eatin’ ‘em!”

– Kali

Total “nuh-uh” for me. And yes, I know I said I’d do the hair tattoo, but I thought that was funny. Face tattoos, on the other hand, are NOT funny. What they remind me of : crusties, passed-out junkies in front of my old apartment on 12th Street, Burning Man, Crash Worship, nasty white-people dreadlocks, the Nazi skinhead asshole I occasionally see on the L train, ear gauge plugs, that tacky tattoo shop on lower 6th Avenue, San Francisco, and Charles Manson. None of these are good things (well, Crash Worship is OK. I used to have a bag with a big CW patch [right next to the Spitboy patch]. I ain’t gonna lie to you), and I have no desire to ally myself with any of them. I already have a “punk” tattoo as it is (so does Kali, come to think of it!). At my age, I don’t need any more subculture-related embarrassment.

– Lauren