April 15, 2009
Would you get an extraocular jewelry implant (eyeball jewelry)?*
* A cosmetic surgical process in which a tiny piece of jewelry is placed in the eye. The stuff hasn’t been around for all that long, so nobody really knows, but so far, no one’s vision has been the least bit affected. Just so you know, I’m not making this up. People really do this shit.
Yeah, sure, whatever, I’ll put jewelry in my eye if someone pays me a million dollars. At least that way I’ll kill two birds with one stone: 1) I’ll be a better person (because everyone knows that the more money you have, the good-er you are) and 2) I’ll have an excuse for agreeing to get that stupid fucking ridiculous shit in my eye. I’m sorry to come down on you if you’re one of those Burning Man, stilts walking, fire eating, all-I-can-talk-about-is-what-gauge-my-septum-piercing-is types but, fuck, I am so over all this Modern Primitive bullshit. You did not grow up in a rainforest and no amount of splitting your tongue in two or piercing your forehead is going to change that. In fact, you know what gave you away right off the bat? The fact that you graduated from Hampshire/Wesleyan/Reed/Oberlin.* And frankly, just because you did this to yourself or bought a rabid ferret as a pet does not make you interesting. In fact, it just comes off as a pathetic way of saying, “I have a personality???” and “I’m different???” and “Look at me – I’m an outcast! (pause) Hello? Is this thing on?”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes today’s lecture.
* I went to Oberlin. I’m allowed to say that.
P.S. Live Wrong and Prosper is moving (!) to http://www.livewrongandprosper.com. The final day of posting on this site will be this Friday. I HOPE HOPE HOPE you’ll move with me!
March 10, 2009
Would you have all your head hair permanently removed and instead have an artistic, trompe l’oeil rendering of a haircut of your choosing tattooed in its place?
This is one of those dares that tends to trigger helpless laughing fits in people. When I mentioned it to Mr. Lauren, for example, he executed a spit-take that would do The Three Stooges proud. There’s just something really funny about a) bald heads, b) bizarre attempts to cover up bald heads, and c) horrible tattoos. As this dare combines all of the aforementioned ha-ha’s, it’s pretty much unfuckwithable. How could I say no?
I’ll tell you how: I need more money. While I’d have no problem* going around resembling a deranged Playmobil person (you know how they have those molded plastic ‘dos? I think this tattoo would be sort of like that), and I’d certainly appreciate a permanent way to deal with my ever-multiplying white hair, I think that the payoff in this case is a wee bit miserly. We’re talking a lifelong image change here, not a cheap joke that would be over with in a year’s time. Up the ante to $5,000,000, and I’m in. Praise the lord and pass the clippers!
* OK, so that’s a bit of an overstatement. I’d actually really miss looking like a normal person (and being treated like one. Can you imagine the public reaction?).
Ugh. A million dollars is a lot of money to me. But this is just not a look I think I could pull off or be happy with. Even if a really, really good tattoo artist drew on a hairdo that mimicked Josephine Baker’s cutesy lacquered flapper cut or a skillfully rendered Mia-Farrow-in-Rosemary’s-Baby pixie style, I know I’d just look like…an asshole. And with the scalp being poor padding, this tattoo would be very painful. I’m with Lauren on this one: $1,000,000 isn’t gonna cut (ha!) it, but I am flexible. I think I could do this for, say, $3,000,000. Then we’d have a deal.
I also want to add that I am sure – positive, actually – that one of those Modern Primitive types has already done this for free. You know – the sort of person who went to College at Reed and drives around in a grandparent’s old Benz they inherited. I’m looking at you, Baldy McPiercing. YOU MAKE-A ME SICK!
February 23, 2009
Would you have surgery to permanently alter your face to look like you’re wearing a pair of Groucho glasses?
The answer is hell no, but I like this question a lot because it’s funny: “Ha, ha you look like Groucho Marx…forever.” I’m not so into the idea, but the less vain and the more desperate-for-a-laugh might really enjoy the bountiful returns that come from giving the gift of humor.
Yeah, it’s definitely good for a chuckle. Just one, though. Not the endless chuckling (not to mention cries of “Oh my god, what is that?”) that you’d hear from people for the rest of your life if you went through with this dare, you comedy-loving freak. File this one under Bad Idea.