For $1,000,000….

April 15, 2009


Would you get an extraocular jewelry implant (eyeball jewelry)?*

* A cosmetic surgical process in which a tiny piece of jewelry is placed in the eye. The stuff hasn’t been around for all that long, so nobody really knows, but so far, no one’s vision has been the least bit affected. Just so you know, I’m not making this up. People really do this shit.

Yeah, sure, whatever, I’ll put jewelry in my eye if someone pays me a million dollars. At least that way I’ll kill two birds with one stone: 1) I’ll be a better person (because everyone knows that the more money you have, the good-er you are) and 2) I’ll have an excuse for agreeing to get that stupid fucking ridiculous shit in my eye. I’m sorry to come down on you if you’re one of those Burning Man, stilts walking, fire eating, all-I-can-talk-about-is-what-gauge-my-septum-piercing-is types but, fuck, I am so over all this Modern Primitive bullshit. You did not grow up in a rainforest and no amount of splitting your tongue in two or piercing your forehead is going to change that. In fact, you know what gave you away right off the bat? The fact that you graduated from Hampshire/Wesleyan/Reed/Oberlin.* And frankly, just because you did this to yourself or bought a rabid ferret as a pet does not make you interesting. In fact, it just comes off as a pathetic way of saying, “I have a personality???” and “I’m different???” and “Look at me – I’m an outcast! (pause) Hello? Is this thing on?”

On a side note, I want to direct this to a whole other subculture of people who do shit like embedding a diamond in one tooth or piercing their nails. STOP IT. You look rifuckingdiculous.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes today’s lecture.

* I went to Oberlin. I’m allowed to say that.

– Kali

P.S. Live Wrong and Prosper is moving (!) to The final day of posting on this site will be this Friday. I HOPE HOPE HOPE you’ll move with me!