For $1,000,000…

April 7, 2009


Would you go five rounds with a boxing kangaroo?

I would fight a variety of wild animals for a million dollars (no, really. I would.) but, holy crap, have you ever seen a kangaroo box? Basically, they knock you out cold first thing and then just keep kicking your ass once you’re down. And if you think you can bob and weave your way through a fight with a kangaroo you are sadly, pathetically, assbeatenly mistaken. I promise you, that kangaroo is going to jab you right in the face real quick-like and then he’s going to start kicking you with his super duper strong hind legs, just like in 1) nature and 2) Looney Tunes cartoons – the ones where that baby kangaroo would beat the holy living crap out of Sylvester. You know who learned this the hard way? These three peopleand that kangaroo had a rapport with two of them! I mean, that’s what it’s like when a kangaroo goes easy on you, for god’s sake! Kangaroos mean business, and when you set foot into a ring with them you better know that. Because you are going down.

Also, who the hell fights kangaroos? I mean, aside from people living in the 19th century? I guess there’s been some weird kangaroo boxing going on in Shanghai in the last few years, but that seems to be some isolated and totally bizarre thing. You want to know why animals attack? Because one minute you’re just hanging around in the Outback with your joey eating shrubs and stuff and the next you’re in a g.d. ring with human boxing gloves tied to your paws and some guy in a clown suit all up in your grill. I’d knock that clown out, too, if I had kangaroo strength.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, my money-lusting animal brain wants to say yes to this dare but my sense of self-preservation says no. So I’m torn – I guess I sit directly on the fence on this one.

– Kali