For $1,000,000…

April 10, 2009


Would you get a permanent tattoo right above your mouth that reads “NATIONAL SPERM BANK DEPOSITORY”?

I don’t know if there are words to properly convey how much I’m not doing this dare. For any amount of money. Or – wait – maybe for like, googolplex dollars, or King of Bahrain money or something. I mean the kind of money that would allow me to literally spend the rest of my life letting my muscles atrophy and shopping for islands and having panty and bra sets woven from $100 bills (I’d prefer $1,000 bills but they aren’t making those anymore). I would do it for that kind of bonkers cash, but nothing short of that. Mostly because 1) again, I don’t fuck with the face and 2) when you start advertising your mouth as the country’s depository for sperm, at some point, someone bigger and drunker and with more behavioral pathologies is going to decide to make you prove it. And that’s just not a scar I need on my soul.

– Kali

P.S. I know the picture isn’t really related to the dare but I just thought it was so fanamfuckingtasticmazing that maybe you’d want to see it.


For $1,000,000…

March 23, 2009


Would you get one of those really intricate Maori tattoos (permanently, duh) covering your face and neck?

I can’t even think about the Maori these days without seeing Mike Tyson’s face. Which is a real bummer for the Maori because – believe you me – they know that he like, totally co-opted their look and they are really not psyched about it. (I’ve never actually met a Maori tribe member but the Internets told me.) It’s like this totally sacred cultural expression and meanwhile, the dude who eats ears got one for shits and giggles.* I mean, for fuck’s sake. Haven’t the Maori been through enough already?

Lucky for them, I won’t be tarnishing their cultural legacy in any way because you couldn’t pay me to get one of those things. I’m really not into fucking with the face and I’m definitely not down with turning myself into The Enigma or anyone else who looks like they’d be in one of those punk rock traveling circus things – which is so ‘90s I can’t even tell you. And to be honest, I kinda think getting lots of tattoos is also totally ‘90s, and really fucking corny. Plus, you know who loves them some tattoos? Normal people. Frat and sorority idiots who genuinely believe that having a drawing on their skin makes them edgy. Getthefuckout. I mean seriously – who are you trying to shock. My grandmother?

So there you have it. This is a no for me. Sorry.

* Technically, he only chewed it – he didn’t actually swallow it – so “eat” isn’t the right word but, really, who gives a fuck? He bit someone’s ear off! This is my impersonation of Mike Tyson: “Mmmmm…Ears!!! I love ‘em! Love eatin’ ‘em!”

– Kali

Total “nuh-uh” for me. And yes, I know I said I’d do the hair tattoo, but I thought that was funny. Face tattoos, on the other hand, are NOT funny. What they remind me of : crusties, passed-out junkies in front of my old apartment on 12th Street, Burning Man, Crash Worship, nasty white-people dreadlocks, the Nazi skinhead asshole I occasionally see on the L train, ear gauge plugs, that tacky tattoo shop on lower 6th Avenue, San Francisco, and Charles Manson. None of these are good things (well, Crash Worship is OK. I used to have a bag with a big CW patch [right next to the Spitboy patch]. I ain’t gonna lie to you), and I have no desire to ally myself with any of them. I already have a “punk” tattoo as it is (so does Kali, come to think of it!). At my age, I don’t need any more subculture-related embarrassment.

– Lauren