April 6, 2009
Would you keep all your urine in sealed glass jars, Howard Hughes style, for a year?
Who’s to say I don’t already? Maybe I’m one of those
eccentric millionairesses batshit crazy indigent shut-ins who just loves spending rainy Sundays counting my many, many mason jars full of sweet, sweet honey-colored urine – my very own urine! Maybe, you only think my fridge is full of jars of beer and sweet tea but, really, those are actually jars of my urine. Maybe, I’m really proud of everything I’ve ever made — not just the stuff I built with my own two hands* — and I like to look around me and also see all the wonderful things I’ve created with my bladder. And my kidneys and my urethra. And my ureters, too. Maybe I like to look at each of those jars of pee and think, I made that, and remember a simpler time — a time when I peed into a jar.
But maybe not. Because, actually, I think that shit (or urine — get it?) is pretty gross. So, no, I have not been collecting my pee, but that’s only because I’m not the kind of person who would collect pee for free. I am, however, the kind of person who would collect pee for money. For one million dollars, I would be more than happy to only pee into glass jars and then seal those jars tight and then use them to build a wall of liquid amber in my apartment. For a million dollars? Easy, peesy.
* Just kidding. I’ve never built anything with my hands.
February 9, 2009
Would you drink a cup of your own pee every night with dinner?
You know who liked to drink his own pee? Gandhi. You know who else? Jim Morrison. And guess who else, supposedly? John Lennon. Which just goes to show you that urine is a popular beverage with both people who like LSD and people who are really into civil rights – as well as many, many others. There’s a whole group of people out there who are avid pee drinkers and there are a lot more of them than you probably think (do a Google search for “urine therapy” for a big surprise). Basically, they swear it’s rich in vitamins and that it’s just about the healthiest thing you could drink and they seem to really enjoy referring to pee as “golden.” And there’s more! Many of them also use it for other stuff, too, like treating skin rashes and psoriasis and, of course, teeth whitening (no kidding!), and they swear it cures a bunch of stuff, like eczema and chicken pox (how much would it SUCK to be the kid of a pee drinker?) and that it prevents cancer. They like to quote Proverbs 5:15, which says: “Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.” (Yeah – I had never seen that one before, either.) Indian yogis drink it, the ancient Romans drank it and – guess what? – for $1,000,000, I would drink it for a month every night with dinner. Not because I buy any of this “pee is good and good for you” crap (I think that when my excretory system excretes something, there’s really nothing more to discuss) but because urine is 95% water and I know it won’t kill me and it’s only for a month and then I’m rich, bitch.
Sure. Why not? I know that I threw a fit when asked about shit-eating, but urine is just so much more harmless, not to mention way less chunky. It’s also relatively sterile, which shit most definitely is not, and it certainly has a milder (though not necessarily pleasant) aroma. Plus, if all of those crackpot alternative medicine theories about urine therapy are true then not only will I be a millionaire, I’ll be a millionaire with superhuman good health. That’s a tantalizing proposition. Hell, according to some believers in Kundalini, it might even unleash the power of my third eye (which, as you’ll recall, I agreed to accept in an earlier dare)! And even if the urine does nothing much, it probably won’t do anything bad. Ultra Violet claimed that drinking Salvador Dali’s urine gave her pimples, but that’s small-time. In fact, the major downside to this dare is probably social rather than physical. Can you imagine having dinner with people and explaining what’s in your special cup? Sure, you’ve got the motivation of a fat paycheck to keep your disgust in check, but your table companions are under no such constraints. I would imagine that one’s calendar would rapidly clear, at least as far as evening invitations are concerned. I guess that’s where the consolation of $1,000,000 comes in.