For $1,000,000…

Men: Would you reduce the length of your penis by an inch?

Women: Would you permanently reduce your breasts by a cup size?

I’m not a dude, so I don’t have a dick, but I’m pretty sure that if I were, I’d be so well endowed I’d be all: “Make it two inches, bitch.” That’s the kind of sensitive guy I’d like to be if I were a man.

As for the boob reduction question, this is a super yes for me. Not because I’m Chesty LaRue or Mindy Mammories or Gina Giganjugs (I made up those last two to get my point across) or anything, but because I think boobs are totally overrated. I’m a B cup now, and even some days that’s a hassle. Underwire is a pain in the ass, and sometimes it breaks free of its fabric casing and stabs you in the rib all day at work. Plus, they’re always reacting (overreacting, if you ask me) to the cold, and totally undermining your face (up here) while you’re in the middle of making some really serious, important point. And let’s be honest: There will inevitably come a day when they will no longer have the will to sit up on their own. Sure, they have their good points but I’m fine with cutting back. Tits shmitz.

Can I also add that I don’t get why women get massive fake boobs? Who is your target audience, exactly? Any dude wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt? The kind of guy who sprays AXE all over himself before he hits “the club”? You’re really willing to risk your health for some guy who isn’t sure where the line between “date” and “date rape” lies?

For real?

WTF?

– Kali

Are you kidding? Getting paid to have a reduction would be a dream come true! I may joke about my enormous rack, but no one knows my secret agony as I hunt through acres of ugly brassieres, hoping in vain for something with straps less than three inches in width. And it would be nice to be able to wear a button-down shirt someday…Is that really an unreasonable goal? Seriously, folks. These things are big, and they’re a pain in the ass. How big? Well, going down a size would still leave me with a generous D-cup. Take my breasts…please!

– Lauren