April 10, 2009
Would you get a permanent tattoo right above your mouth that reads “NATIONAL SPERM BANK DEPOSITORY”?
I don’t know if there are words to properly convey how much I’m not doing this dare. For any amount of money. Or – wait – maybe for like, googolplex dollars, or King of Bahrain money or something. I mean the kind of money that would allow me to literally spend the rest of my life letting my muscles atrophy and shopping for islands and having panty and bra sets woven from $100 bills (I’d prefer $1,000 bills but they aren’t making those anymore). I would do it for that kind of bonkers cash, but nothing short of that. Mostly because 1) again, I don’t fuck with the face and 2) when you start advertising your mouth as the country’s depository for sperm, at some point, someone bigger and drunker and with more behavioral pathologies is going to decide to make you prove it. And that’s just not a scar I need on my soul.